Growing Intimate Relationships

By Brad & Jan Lundy

Those of us blessed with children know how rewarding it can be to raise them up, to guide them toward becoming happy, healthy, conscientious adults. Naturally wanting our children to feel good about who they are, we nurture them with healthful food, affection and meaningful experiences. We urge them to use their God-given talents in the direction of their dreams. Our fondest desire is to grow them into the highest versions of themselves that they can be.
What if we cultivated our relationship with our life partner in the same way?

Envision the results if we nurtured our partner’s body, mind and spirit. Inspired him or her to harness their own talents and live out their dreams. Spoke lovingly. Regularly demonstrated our affection. Made choices that elevated them and our relationship to the highest level possible. Imagine what could happen if we raised our intimate relationships as conscientiously as we raise our children.   

Sacred Trust

Ideally, our most intimate relationship is just as precious to us as the relationships we have with our children. For example, as conscious parents we would not think of ignoring our child, harshly testing, or hurtfully teasing them. We wouldn¹t humiliate them in front of others or speak sarcastically. We wouldn’t name call or embarrass. So how could we ever think it’s alright to do so with our beloved, our life partner?

Truly, our relationship with our partner deserves as much tender care in the raising as the relationships with our children. Perhaps more so. For by their very nature such special bonds reign as relationships of choice. They’re not inevitable by way of being genetically forged. More, they have come to us at this juncture in our own lives to help us grow into the highest possible version of ourselves. Wow. Now, that’s illuminating perspective.

Rightly viewed, we behold our most intimate relationship as a sacred trust. For this holy vessel full of myriad opportunities allows us to see ourselves as we are and can be. In relationship we have a close personal witness of all the ways we are loving, patient, kind and generous-of-spirit…or not. Count as a friend those who reveal our real progress as well as room for improvement. In consciously tending to our partner and our relationship, we are actually nourishing our growth journeys together as spiritual beings.

Telling Queries

We do well to ask ourselves. How well are we taking care of our intimate relationships? Are we engaged in practices that foster deep love and respect? Do we caretake each other’s spirit?

If we were to identify just three things a conscious couple could do to raise up their relationship on high, to help it grow and mature into a glorious partnership, these would be our choices:

First, take time to truly be with one another, to be a listening presence.

With the pace and responsibilities of daily life, it’s easy to get caught up in our own separate doingness. We may find ourselves putting our most intimate relationship on the back burner, not giving it the time and attention it needs to blossom and flower. Spending time together in areas of mutual interest, doing the things we enjoy that keep our hearts connected, leavens any relationship.

And listening, listening with all our heart when our partner has something to say. Listening for listening¹s sake, to be present to one another and bear witness to the challenges and triumphs along their path. Not to fix or make better, but to be pure Spirit presence to them.

We can make time every single day to sit down together and connect, soul-to-soul, and tune into one another’s heartsong. We do well when we share our learnings, process life hand-in-hand with someone who’s available and on our side. We would attend to our child with a listening ear and receptive heart in much the same way, without hesitation. Certainly our partner deserves the same consideration.

Second, let us focus on what we¹re doing right as a couple, instead of what¹s wrong.

Let us see the cup of our relationship as being half full–and increasing–rather than half empty. Fixating on what is lacking can only move us toward feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Therapists tell us that the primary reason partners drift apart emotionally is due to a buildup of disappointments. We can choose to orient ourselves toward what is good and right in our relationship and build upon those instead. Let’s set an intention to do more of what¹s working and less of what¹s not. Periodic reflection highlights the fact that we’re all a work in progress. So tread gently. Just as we would in parenting our child, we can celebrate the growth and minimize the challenges.

Third, it feels good to speak lovingly to one another, without verbal attack.

Activities involving dirty looks, negative bantering, public embarrassment, scolding, and so forth not only fail to promote the positive interactions we seek, they consistently have the opposite effect. Nor can they honestly be framed as funny, as some folks would suggest. In actuality, seeds of anger lay buried beneath each.

Where attacks accrue, they can create a reservoir of resentment that over time works to disintegrate the sacred foundation on which our relationship is built. Thus it behooves us to speak as lovingly to our partner as we would our newborn babe. It’s always our choice. Remember that every word we speak can either enhance or harm the beautiful spirit of the relationship we’ve built from the ground up.

Finally, when the day is done, let us add one final relationship-raising practice to our routine. Give thanks. By expressing gratitude for this very special person with whom we are in relationship, this companion of our soul, we are led into deeper awareness of our own selves, our spirit, and the divine universe of which we are both a part.

Brad and Jan Lundy are the authors of Perfect Love: How to Find Yours & Make It Last Forever. For Grand Rapids area workshops/couple’s retreats in February, see Calendar of Events. Also visit EnjoyPerfectLove.com or email info@enjoyperfectlove.com.

Source: Originally published in Natural Awakenings West Michigan February 2007 Relationships issue.